If the world is so stupid,

Friday, October 22, 2004

10:38PM - What the God!!!

She actually did it! That bitch... She's fucking stopping me from seeing Nicole! What the fuck! I avoided a fight with her by keeping my mouth shut and she had the nerve to say that I was "trying to be in control of the situation." What the fuck! I'm sixteen! I am not in control of my dick for god sakes! The only thing that I am in control of is where these two legs take me. Right now... They want to take me to Nicole's. GOD I HATE HER!!! God!!! What the fuck! What the fuck! I AM NOT A FUCKING DUMBASS SO STOP FUCKING TREATING ME LIKE ONE! I don't care if you are scared of loosing me to dad! I don't care because right now... You are making me want to live with him instead. Sure, he might not show any care at all, but at least he won't be a dramatic sandy vagina like you are trying so hard to be. FUCK YOU!
I FUCKING WANT TO KILL YOU!!! I WOULD NOT CRY AT YOU FUNERAL!!! I WANT TO PISS ON YOUR GRAVE!!! If you care at all about me you will let me alone...

Current mood:

angry

Current music: fuck music this shits important

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Saturday, September 18, 2004

5:41PM - Wow

I just spent a shit load of time messing around with livjournal shit. I am so bored. I'm kinda tired so I might do that sleeping thingy again.
I miss you Nicole. I love you Brian. In the butt. I might change my name on this thingy. MerDok is just getting old. Man am I lazy. I wish my mind would stop racing around in topics. How do I change my mood faces and background stuff on here? I need to tell more people that I write in this. I'm thirsty. Peas.

Current mood:

horny

Current music: Green Day - Basket Case

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Tuesday, September 14, 2004

2:25PM - Life is GOOOOOD...ish...well...getting there...

The girly of my dreams wants to come back with me. Career planning is going good. I have the best friends in the world. I am not deeply depressed anymore. I am in good health exept the fact that my right arm is bigger than my left. I can't help but feel like something bad is going to happen.
-Fuck it-

Current mood:

calm

Current music: Im Singing in the Rain - Sinatra Rules!

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Sunday, September 12, 2004

10:07PM - yep

OH my god!!! I LoVe NiCoLe!!! She is so cute! She is so cool! She is just so Nicole! I LOVE YOU NICOLE!!! I want to kiss you. Im gonna kiss you. I LOVE YOU!! AHHHH! You make me soo freakin' crazy! AHHHH! I want to be with you NOW! I gotta leave now cause I am IMing you now and I am just going top say the same thing over and over again because I LOVE YOU! I am just so fricken happy! ahhhh...going now...sorry...get a hold of yourself...I cant!!! I LOVE YOU!!! XOXO

Current mood:

restless

Current music: I dont know right now can you get back to me?

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Sunday, September 5, 2004

10:15PM - so...

It doesn't matter that I love you, does it? Why do I love you when I know that it doesn't. You just don't care about me enough to stay with me. And you said that you were doing me a favor? Saving me? You were never there for me anyways. Maby this is better. It was always me giving you whatever you asked for wasn't it. Well thats just fine because I can find someone who can care for me. Why did you always struggle with me? What was sooooooo bad that you couldn't have waited around for? What fucking diffrence does it make that I'm even writing this? You know that I will always be there for you when I can. I just hope that that part of me never wants to stop. I don't what you to realize what a big mistake you are doing after it's too late. Right now I'm trying to move on but I don't want to because I know what is wrong and what is right; I can only hope that someday you can open your fucking eyes.
I want to feel the way I felt that day out by the lighthouse. I knew then that as the cool foggy air rushed through our hair as we kissed that it was not in vein. If you didn't feel the same that day I really do think that I am better off. If you did well, i guess you are still unsure for whatever reason. But, don't dismiss it you know that you want me so why why why why why do you care about my stupid family or being in a diffrent school or not seeing eachother every single day? I don't get you. If you love someone you wouldn't have A: Not cared enough for me B: Broken there little heart or C: Not wanted to me seperated. Whatever, you know what...This is just getting childish and tiresome. I need to speak with you over the phone today...right now. So I am going to go now.

Current mood:

frustrated

Current music: Why should there be two

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Monday, August 23, 2004

1:42PM - AHHHHHHHHHHHH

I am so tired of feeling this sick raw emotion over a steuwpid girl. I don't even know why I said that. She is not stupid. I love Nicole. She is the only reason why I am slamming buttons on this keyboard. I love you Nicole and I miss you and I want to hold you in my arms. God this is soooooo dumb. I feel like shit. Bloody hell! Bush is on the radio!!! ARG! She loves Bush.
This is so stupid. We should be together. Even if I get ripped apart at the chest again I would still want to see her smile day by day. It pains me more every day to not see her than any small problem we fought over week by week. why do you feel like this is some great favor. Its killing me.
I love you. I want you. Every small problem is brushed away in my mind when I brush the hair away from your eyes. Will I ever feel that way again with you? I want to smell that scent which is so familiar to me. I want to taste what i've never had. I want to love you even if you don't love me. Please just stop running through my mind!
You had so much dramatic BS on you plate to feed off of that you had to get a doggie bag to carry it all. You admitted that you play stupid girl games. Why can't we go back? Every time you start a dumb thing why can't I just tell you that your doing it again? I want to be happy with you. You didn't even try. I know what is best for me and right now I know that this isn't it cause I'm crying. Nicole! I'm crying for you!
I get it. You like drama and I am giving it. Come back. Don't I give you what you want? We don't have to be this big emotional mess you know. We could just give eachother what we want. Don't you want that? Don't you want me? I am so freaked out at the thought of not being able to touch you like I did before. Why can't we get clean with you again.

To answer your question Nicole...I am far from Ok...

Current mood:

sick